It only takes something relatively small. Perhaps they didn’t respond to a message, or you got into an argument about… well, you can’t even remember now.
And then the anxious thoughts creep in.
What if they’ve forgotten about me? What if they don’t care after all? What if I can’t trust them?
Suddenly your emotions get riled up. You feel so flustered that you don’t trust yourself to communicate rationally anymore, and it feels totally overwhelming.
This state of stress kills your ability to think about difficult situations in a calmer, more logical way. Instead you end up in anxious thought loops, going over and over conversations in your head, and desperately trying to fix or solve the problem.
You know that you want honesty and intimacy in your relationships, but when you start getting really vulnerable all of your fears show up and all you want to do is hide. Perhaps you behave in ways that don’t really feel like ‘you,’ which you regret and feel ashamed of later on – like getting defensive and shutting down, feeling so angry you don’t know what to do with it, or people-pleasing and pushing your own needs waaaay down.
If any of these patterns are sounding familiar then there’s something I want to share with you:
Getting stuck in patterns of anxiety, people-pleasing, or defensiveness is often a sign that you find it difficult to regulate your emotions.
Let me explain.
These strategies you employ – whether people-pleasing, catastrophising, assuming the worst, or wanting to fix and control – are methods you’ve learned to keep yourself safe.
These strategies usually develop in childhood, in response to having caregivers who weren’t able to fully teach you how to be with, express, and regulate your emotions. So many of us are taught as children – whether explicitly or implicitly – that so-called ‘negative’ emotions cannot be expressed in a healthy way.
Perhaps anger was always either hidden away behind closed doors, or only ever expressed as dangerous, aggressive rage. Perhaps sadness and tears were never allowed, and you were simply told to ‘cheer up.’
These are really common experiences that teach you something important: that it’s not safe to really feel and express your emotions. As a consequence, more challenging emotions feel really vulnerable, and we learn to push them down and suppress them.
People-pleasing is a great way to do this, because it allows us to focus all our energy on the other person, instead of what we’re feeling! Likewise, wanting to fix and control situations, or obsess over the worst case scenario, allows us to avoid feeling the fear of uncertainty.
The problem is that these emotions don’t go away if you suppress them – pushing them down tends to make them pop back up in more challenging ways. Like those uncontrollable bursts of outrage or bottomless pits of despair.
The good news is that it’s possible to learn how to better regulate your emotions so that you can feel them, understand them, and have more control to express them in healthier ways.
Introducing the Reactivity to Regulation Method
In this course you will:
- Learn how to track your emotional responses so that they feel more predictable.
- Identify the specific triggers that land you in difficult emotional states.
- Learn how your nervous system creates the experience of different emotional states.
- Identify the tools and resources you can use to lift yourself out of challenging emotions.
- Learn about how the nervous system works with your mind to create the experience of different emotions.
- Learn the basics of Polyvagal Theory to better understand how and why triggered states happen.
- Create a map of your own emotional responses, which you can use to better understand and track difficult states.
- Understand the reasons why your emotions show up the way they do, helping to remove shame and judgement.
Sounding like something you want in your life?
Usually this course is $199 – but right now I’d love to offer you a big discount:
Pick up the full course now for only $23 USD!
Secure payment via credit or debit card.
30 day no-questions-asked money-back guarantee.
How does the course work?
This course is divided into three sections:
- Part 1: Mapping Your Responses. We’ll begin the process by learning about Polyvagal Theory, and creating your own map of your emotional responses within the context of your nervous system.
- Part 2: Identifying Triggers. Next, we’ll get clear on which specific triggers land you in each response on your map, so that each state begins to feel more predictable and understandable.
- Part 3: Finding Resources. Finally, we’ll identify which tools and resources you might have in your life that can help to lift you out of each response, so that you can begin to take back more control.
The course includes an introductory video which explains how your nervous system is linked to your emotions.
I’ll then guide you through each section via an audio recording, so you can focus on creating your map with pen on paper while I talk you through each step (you’ll need some paper and coloured pens or crayons for each part).
I’d recommend allowing around 60-90 minutes for each section, and leaving a week or two in between each to give yourself time to practice using your map in day-to-day life.
Who is this course for?
This course is for you if:
- You often feel aware of your triggers, but unable stop them from completely taking over – small things can completely hijack your emotions and ruin your day.
- You often find yourself reacting to situations from an emotional place, rather than being able to take a breath and respond in a more measured way.
- You’re ready to learn – and put into practice – new ways of managing your emotions and changing your experience of being in difficult states.
- You know you’d benefit from having a clear, visual framework to better understand your emotional states and how to regulate them (if you love drawing things out and making lists, this might be for you!)
Does this sound like you?
Usually this course is $199 – but right now I’d love to offer you a big discount:
Pick up the full course now for only $23 USD!
Secure payment via credit or debit card.
30 day no-questions-asked money-back guarantee.
How might the Reactivity To Regulation method benefit you?
This is a process I’ve guided many one-to-one clients through. I often hear that it allows people to feel more in control of their emotional states, that they are more able to bring themselves back to safety when they’re feeling overwhelmed.
Clients tell me that having their emotional responses mapped out helps them to make sense of feelings that previously felt overwhelming, and that understanding them in the context of the nervous system helps to remove a lot of the shame and judgement that often shows up.
But don’t just take my word for it – here’s what some of my clients have said about using this process in our one-to-one sessions:
Using the polyvagal ladder helped me to map out ways to handle my needs and emotions. This practice gave me a lot of self-trust and self-confidence. I can tell by using this tool each time I am able to self-regulate my nervous system that I gain more trust that I will always be okay. It showed me that I am fully capable of being fulfilled by my own self-care, which reduced my need for fulfilment from outside sources. I am safe and secure in my body.
Anon
Working with Hannah was transformational in helping me to see where my nervous system was affecting my capacity for physical intimacy and pleasure. While my profession had given me a good understanding of the nervous system, with Hannah’s compassionate guidance I was able to draw connections between past trauma and how that now affected my body’s sense of safety during sex. Thank you, Hannah, for holding such a beautiful, open and non-judgmental space to talk about such vulnerable topics.
Claire
To say that Hannah has been instrumental in my personal growth is an understatement. I came away with a number of tools to help me identify triggers and manage my past trauma through a lens of self-compassion.
VL
I used to constantly google “why do I feel this way”. But working with Hannah has given me a kind of physical manual for myself of tools to utilize in given situations. It provides me with a lot of self trust and confidence knowing I have that. ❤️❤️❤️ thank you!
Anon
Want to find out how this process could benefit you too?
Usually this course is $199 – but right now I’d love to offer you a big discount:
Pick up the full course now for only $23 USD!
Secure payment via credit or debit card.
30 day no-questions-asked money-back guarantee.
Who am I?
I’m Hannah, and here’s my story:
A few years ago I was stuck in a cycle of back-to-back codependent relationships. Everything would be fun and exciting for the first few months, until familiar patterns of codependency would rear their head and I’d feel frustrated and unhappy.
For me, these patterns looked like constantly wishing my partner was ‘different’ somehow. Wishing they were healthier, more attentive, more empathetic. It also looked like abandoning my own needs: always going along with what they wanted, feeling unable to identify my own desires (especially when it came to sex), let alone ask for them.
It looked like no longer bothering with the routines and hobbies that were important to me, because I’d much rather prioritise what they wanted to do.
Occasionally I even put myself in abusive situations too.
All because I only really cared about the other person – not myself.
And it always ended in disappointment, resentment, and heartbreak.
Oof.
So what changed?
The short answer is that I met a guy…
…except he was polyamorous.
While nothing ever came of this particular connection (which was probably for the best at that particular point in my life), it did inspire me to start exploring polyamory myself.
Now, while non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, it did teach me an awful lot about identifying my own needs, prioritising myself, and improving the way I communicate.
I realised that if I wanted to do it properly, ethically, then I had to start being really upfront with every new person I dated. Not only did I have to tell them that I was bisexual, which had already been nerve-wracking enough on occasion, but now I had to tell them that I was polyamorous too? And explain what that meant for me? And tell them about other partners?
It was something of a baptism of fire.
As I started to think more critically about the shape I wanted my relationships to take, the floodgates opened. It wasn’t only about relationship styles – it was also about sex, kink, friendships, work. Cue a couple of years of pretty intense learning and exploration, including workshops, play parties and sex-positive events, and finally training to certify as an intimacy coach.
Now, this isn’t to say that I’ve ‘healed’ all of my codependent patterns and all of my relationships are perfect. Whatever that means.
But it does mean that I can trust myself more than ever to prioritise my own needs (and to figure out what they are in the first place). It means that my relationships feel like partnerships, rather than one-sided caretaking arrangements.
Crucially, it means that I am in relationships because I want to be in them, rather than because I am afraid of being alone.
I’m trained as a coach in Psychosexual Somatics Therapy (PST), which is a gentle, trauma-aware method of moving through intimacy challenges – sexual, relational, or emotional. It emphasises nervous system regulation while addressing childhood attachment issues, by combining a cognitive understanding of the emotional root causes underneath the presenting issue, alongside embodied practices and somatic awareness.
I combine this with my experience of Authentic Relating, Non-Violent Communication, and Radical Honesty approaches – for super effective communication that’s direct without feeling aggressive.
It’s a really awesome mix.
Above all, my mission is to support clients in slowing right down and feeling more of themselves.
The connection you have with yourself is the most important thing you bring to any relationship with another person, so this is a really important place to start.
In my work I believe that challenges that show up in sex and intimacy are not problems to be solved.
Instead they are clues to show us the parts of ourselves that are wanting some attention and care.
This requires working slowly to find these vulnerable places, and working with them gently.
FAQs
How long does this course take?
The course is designed for you to go at your own pace. I recommend allowing around 60-90 minutes for each of the three parts, and leaving a week or two in between each part.
I’m super busy. Will I have time for this?
If you can find 15 minutes to watch the intro video, and then commit to 60-90 minutes for each of the three parts, then yes!
What does the course consist of?
An intro video to explain the key concepts (just under 15 minutes), then each of the three parts contains a worksheet and an audio file (around 30 minutes long) for you to follow along with as I guide you through the process of creating your nervous system map.
How will I access the course?
When you purchase, you’ll receive login details that you can use to access the course via my website. All the information you need will be emailed to you as soon as your order is complete.
Do you offer a money back guarantee?
Yes! You get a 30 day no-questions-asked money back guarantee. If you don’t feel you’ve gotten any value after 30 days, just shoot me an email asking for a refund and I’ll sort it out for you. There’s no risk here for you – that’s how confident I am that this process will benefit you.
Ready to give the process a try?
Usually this course is $199 – but right now I’d love to offer you a big discount:
Pick up the full course now for only $23 USD!
Secure payment via credit or debit card.
30 day no-questions-asked money-back guarantee.
